Self-care affects your love life more directly than you may think. As entreprenuers, it’s important to understand the trickle-down effect of our own habits to those we care about.
Most of us entrepreneurs wears multiple hats. We’re not only entrepreneurs; many of us are also spouses or have a significant other. Maybe we’re managing pets, kids, aging parents, and more.
We have so many things that we’re trying to take care of, that oftentimes we use that as a reason not to take care of ourselves.
We have too many other things that call for our energy, demands, and attention.
And it’s just a tiny bit possible that we can tend to play the martyr because of these things, sacrificing our own needs for the needs of others.
But when you look at how that actually plays out in real life, it doesn’t really work that way. Sure, love sometimes calls for sacrifice. But perpetual denial of our well-being always backfires.
When you are not taking care of yourself physically or emotionally, then you cannot take care of others.
I admit, that phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” has gotten a little old. (Plus, we entrepreneurs tend to be so competitive, that there’s this tiny part of our brains that takes that as a challenge…like “Oh yeah? Try me.”)
So instead of metaphors and emotion, we’re actually going to look at some of the science behind our healthy habits and how they affect your most intimate category of relationships—particularly, your love life.
#1. Fitness
If you’ve ever worked out before, you already know that exercise is a wonderful stress-reliever. And there’s science to show that.
It releases endorphins that helps quell the stress hormones in our body.
Well, guess what else happens when we are lowering our stress. We just happen to make better partners.
There was a study done by Neff and Carny in 2009 that tracked couples who are under varying degrees of stress levels. Specifically on the days that they were under high stress levels, the couples were shown to be highly reactionary, and generally not as able to cope with the demands of the relationship.
Other studies have also shown that couples who are arguing are less likely to solve their argument if even just one of them has not had a good night sleep the night before.
Before we can even think about romance and intimacy, of course, we need to have the ability of being conscious of another person’s feelings and able to get along in the first place.
Have you seen that quote going around on Instagram?
I do yoga because punching people is generally frowned upon.
Getting proper exercise will indisputably make you easier to live with.
But not only will fewer fights lead to better lovemaking–exercise has an even more direct impact on your libido, too.
We already established that exercise helps dampen the stress in our life. Stress is actually a very big inhibitor of your libido, muting your natural sexual desire and response.
So, anytime that you’re ameliorating stress, you’re also priming your body to be more in the mood.
Exercising more also boosts your circulation—and more circulation to your baby-making parts makes everything just work a little bit better.
And how about flexibility? The more flexible you are, the greater the likelihood that your sex life will be more comfortable, because you’re able to try different positions with greater ease.
People who exercise more have a better sense of self-esteem than non-exercisers.
“Oh sure,” you may be thinking, “when you have sexier abs, you feel better in your body. So of course when you have a perfect body you’re more up for having sex.”
Well yes, that is true. The more you work on yourself and work for your goals, you’re going to be proud of that and want to show it off.
But studies also show that one single workout automatically increases your own perception of your own desirability.
So your self-esteem actually raises with each workout you do. It’s not because you lost 3 inches of your waist. It’s because of the actual chemical processes of your exercise makes you feel better about yourself.
So, exercise has a multitude of benefits when it comes to your love life. Not just mood and reactivity, but even some of the details of what happens between the sheets just gets better when we are making that time for exercise.
So if you ever feel guilty because you’re ignoring your partner, or you feel like you’re not spending time with them because you want to work out…well, I doubt that they’re going to be complaining too much once they start to connect the dots between these two areas of your life.
#2. Sleep
Exercise isn’t the only thing that helps us fight fair. Sleep is a also a critical component of your ability to be reasonable and not overreact.
You have two areas of your brain that are responsible for decision making.
The amygdala, which is further back in the brain, is evolutionarily more primitive. The pre-frontal cortex came later in our history as human beings. The pre-frontal cortex is the more highly evolved part of the brain. It’s the part of the brain that makes complex decisions. It’s able to assess decisions before choosing a response.
(Which, come on. If you’ve been in a relationship for more than 2 weeks, you know that sometimes it’s better to think before you speak.)
Here’s the key: the prefrontal cortex is only active when we are well-rested.
When we are sleep-deprived, the pre-frontal cortex just calls in sick. Takes the day off and plays hookie. Goes on strike, and our amygdala (which is the more emotional center of our brains) takes over.
When the amygdala’s running the show, things come out of your mouth that you didn’t mean to come out of your mouth. You jump to conclusions. You lose your ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Sleep, then, is a very important component to being able to keep your cool.
But just like exercise, sleep also plays a significant role in predicting your libido.
In fact, studies show that women who have had a good night’s sleep the night before are 14% more likely to have sex the next night than if they did not get a good night’s sleep.
If you’re exercising and you’ve been getting a good sleep, your testosterone levels will increase. (Both men and women have testosterone, and both need testosterone for the act of intimacy. Testosterone increases desire and response.
So, sleep impacts whether or not you’re going to be pleasant to be around in the first place, AND (once you’ve jumped that hurdle), how things actually go when you go to bed with someone.
#3. Stress Management
We’ve already talked about the fact that exercise and sleep play a big role in stress management. They are definitely tools we can turn to, to not let ourselves get into a heightened stressful state.
But there are other components to stress management besides sleep and exercise.
Meditation, for example, gives us a chance to restore our perspective–to look at something from someone’s else’s point of view.
I’ve heard meditation described as the ability to separate and create space between a stimulus and a response.
It promotes a sense of being able to consider a number of perspectives before we attach ourselves to a certain perspective. That ability is obviously helpful when it comes to being in a relationship with someone.
I also think that playfulness and having a sense of humor will help us be more fun to be around.
I know as entrepreneurs it’s difficult to make time for things like play and recreation, but if you’re making even some space in your life for it, it just makes you that more interesting and attractive to your partner.
So make time for recreation, instead of always being in survival mode.
In order to attract an exciting and interesting relationship, you need to be interesting.
By now, I hope you feel full permission to take care of yourself without feeling guilty, knowing that what’s good for you is good for your partner, family, business, clients, and ultimately everyone else you care about.
For those of us who are conscious about wanting to make a difference in the world, it’s often guilt that holds us back from taking care of ourselves.
But self-care pays off in all those other areas in our lives that are important to us.
Also, remember that self-care and romance work both ways. When you’re taking care of yourself, you’re going to be a better partner and be able to make a better investment in your relationship.
But investing in your relationship also leads to a better sense of personal well-being.
For example, oxytocin is one of the hormones that’s released during intimacy (whether through sexuality or just affection). Oxytocin is clinically shown to make you calmer. It affects your abilities to cope with stress, reduces cortisol hormones, and even leads to reduced cravings!
A healthy sex life will lead to better sleep, but better sleep will also lead to a better sex life.
So when you’re taking care of your relationship, it will take care of you.
And when you’re taking care of you, you’ll take better care of your relationship.
That’s the beautiful thing. Once you start establishing these habits, they work in tandem with the other habits you’re trying to cultivate, and they end up supporting each other along this path of living the best life possible.
